In the Yom Kippur confessional, we read: “Before a person is healed, he must acknowledge his illness. Before a person finds light, she must know her own darkness. And before a people is forgiven, it must confess its sins. We confess our sins and those of our fellows for we are responsible, one for another. Heal us Adonai, and lead us through darkness to light.”

Living and working the steps is a journey from darkness to light, from powerlessness to an understanding of that power ‘greater than ourselves” that can restore us to sanity” and we “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for His will for us and the power to carry it out.”

I was four and a half years in the program doing everything right for the wrong reasons and so, when I had my spiritual awakening, I began to acknowledge I am an alcoholic, that my life was unmanageable. I had not lost a job, a home, or transportation. What hit me most was I had lost myself; I had lost my values. Was I sick or what? Yes, I was one sick cookie and I needed to be healed. For this reason, I let people know I am in the program forty-two years but I’m only sober thirty-seven. had to acknowledge my illness. As used to be said in therapy; “You can’t deal with something you don’t own.”

Before I found the light, I had to acknowledge my own darkness. It never ceases to amaze me that, here I was, a priest, a counselor, walking around in darkness and thinking I was a light to the people in Alcoholics Anonymous. Knowledge of an illness does not mean that one can see one’s own illness. Just because I know about the signs and symptoms of an illness does not mean I can recognize them in myself. Denial is an outstanding blindness for victims of this disease. Not only was I blind to the disease, I was spiritually blind. I could not see how my behavior was impacting myself and others. I could not see the goodness of my Higher Power directing me to those who could and would help me if I sought them out. I could not see that my use, abuse, addiction to alcohol and other drugs was killing me slowly.

To be forgiven, I had to confess my failings. This was near to impossible. I had no character defects (Pride!!). I had to be taught. And, I was. I was taught by a gentle and compassionate layperson who did not attend any church but understood spiritually much better than I did. I learned humility and gratitude.

Mentally, Emotionally, Socially, and Physically I was dying. Some weeks after I “graduated” from treatment, I returned to retake some IQ test and, uncomfortably and happily, discovered that my brain was functioning much, much better. Emotionally I came to realize I was functioning on two cells; anger and fear. I had to learn to say “I feel____” without the use of “ think; or, like” in the sentence. I also had to stop saying “You make me feel___” Socially, I realized, I had surrounded myself with people who drank as much if not more than I did. I was Spiritually deceased. I was among the walking dead.

I look back and see that it was those who had already confessed their failings who became wounded-healers for me, helped me see my own failings, own them, and then let myself be healed through confession, forgiveness of self and others, accepting forgiveness and asking for God’s power to be my source of power in the future.

Bill W. said that the steps of AA could be found in any religion and philosophy. Here in this Jewish prayer for the day of atonement (at-one-ment: Becoming whole) is pretty much the steps I and others used to grow from powerlessness to being given the power to carry out the work we are called to do. “Before a person is healed, he must acknowledge his illness. Before a person finds light, she must know her own darkness. And before a people is forgiven, it must confess its sins. We confess our sins and those of our fellows for we are responsible, one for another. Heal us Adonai, and lead us through darkness to light.”

Séamus D.

Greater New Orleans Area