In his book SUN DANCING, Geoffrey Moorhouse creates a story of monasticism in Ireland. He begins with a few monks who land on the desolated rock island known as Skellig Michael, climbed to the top of it. and created a way of life on this remote, Atlantic beaten rock off the west coast of Ireland.

One of the monks asks: “But how shall I know that I am advancing nearer to Him, that I am becoming purified?” The other replied, “You won’t, especially if you think of prayer  and meditation in that way. You must simply open yourself to God’s grace, by excluding everything that might come between you and Him. Open yourself and be still. Nothing in this life is more important that the stillness of it…Open yourself, be still and breathe the prayer. Trust that the Lord will then raise you up.”

In my first years in the fellowship, I thought I was near perfection [Sober]. After all, I had “done” all the steps. I went on “Twelve-step calls.” I read the Big Book, the Twelve by Twelve, The Little Red Book, I went to two and sometimes three meetings daily. I was invited to tell my story. Oh, I was so good that a few folks wanted me to go on the ”Speaker Circuit.” Thank God my sponsors in their blunt and loving manner told me, “NO, you’ve got too big an ego, it will kill you.” For once in my life, I actually listened to someone and did as was suggested to me.

What I was confusing was Living the Program with Working the Steps. I was busy doing all the externals for all the wrong reasons. I was doing everything so that others would notice me and see how good I am and how dedicated I am. I was doing all these things because I did not see myself, I had no idea as to who I was other than that I was lost and a looser and so I had to do all this external stuff so I could look good. I came very very close to relapse – that’s another story.

“You must simply open yourself to God’s grace, by excluding everything that might come between you and Him.” The God I taught and talked about was not the God in whom I believed. The latter was an angry, vindictive God just like me. I knew there was a loving God, patient and kind, but She was not my God. I had to let go of this image, I had to “exclude everything that might come between me and Him [Her].”  That meant going back to Step One, coming to grips with honesty, willingness, and open-mindedness. This risk brought me to a Force, a Power Greater than myself that could restore me to sanity. By implication, I had to admit that my attitudes, thinking, and behavior were insane. They were – when I finally took a good honest look at them.

“Open yourself.” Never in my life had I opened myself to anyone and perhaps not even mySelf. Opening mySelf to another was asking to get hurt; asking me to take a good look at mySelf was not something I ever wanted to do. Learning to trust in a Power Greater than mySelf who could restore me to sanity came as I actually listened to others at meetings and saw mySelf in them. Becoming human was the door to steps four and five which, at first, I had hoped to skip. As I returned to sanity, I realized that each and every step is a hinge to the next one. There is no cherry picking in the steps and when they are “done” then the next step was to make them come alive within me and in my life. This was the return to sanity.

Be still. I had taken courses on meditation. I knew how to meditate. Problem was that I had no idea how to be still while meditating. My mind raced from one topic to another, from one location to another, from one idea to another.  “Be still and breathe the prayer.” 

Breathe the Prayer [and] trust the Lord will raise me up. S/He did. I became alive. I came back from the dead. I was lifted up from my powerlessness to be given the Power I needed to live and share my experience, strength and hope. Progress is sufficient as it keeps me humble and reminds me there is always something for me to learn or relearn. Perfection can wait till my next life.

Séamus D. is a semi-retired Episcopal priest in New Orleans.