Kelly Corbet wrote: “Left unstewarded, anger, resentment, fear, frustration—any form non-Love takes—can grow into all sorts of warfare, internal and external.” 

When I came into the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, I was, externally, happy as a clam. Internally, however, I was at war with God and self. In A.A. I thought I had found a place where all I had to do was to read the Big Book, work the steps, go to meetings, talk to a sponsor. Oh, I had to stop drinking, but that I thought, was no big deal. It was some time before I understood that “alcohol is but a symptom” of this disease.

Some of the A.A. folks gently encouraged me to come early, help set-up; stay after and clean up. I felt welcomed by them. I wanted whatever it was they had and I had no idea what it was nor did I know how to ask the question. My grandiosity had me thinking these folks were grooming me for a leadership position. Before long I’d be chairing meetings and being a speaker.

I glanced through steps four and five and a small—very small—light lit up and I sensed something was happening to me. There were men and women at the meetings around whom I felt uncomfortable. As they shared their behavior and attitudes while they were in active addiction, I could see my own image in their stories, but there was no way I was going to admit this in pubic. I told myself: “I can’t tell “these people” what I did when I was a priest in a parish. They would be embarrassed and shocked.” I was the one who was beginning to become embarrassed. I was admitting to myself: “I did that.” “I said that.”  In time I was to learn of things I did and said that not only embarrassed but also shocked me. Thank God for honest friends. This information was creating a conflict between my image of myself and what I was now admitting to myself.  Mental and emotional conflict was now in operation.

I have always considered myself to be honest, truthful, compassionate, spiritual, generous, etc. Unfortunately, I misused these gifts for all the wrong reasons—to get what I wanted. Yes, I had to admit I used people, places, and things, for my own gratification, my  delusional  “self-importance.”

And so, I began to work the steps – beginning at the beginning, step one. I remember the night I went over to the dark side.  I took to whiskey like a duck to water. Johnny Walker, James Jemison, Jim Beam, and friends were to be there for me in good times and in bad. They smoothed the negative emotions; they left me emotionally frozen even as they forced me to smile and be happy. They gave me courage to do what I could have done without them but did not think I could do so.  As time passed, they assisted in the numbing of my spiritual fight with God. In Sunday school and preaching I presented god as a loving, kind, forgiving Parent. Within me, however, I lived in fear of sudden death and being condemned to hell.

My internal war came to a head as I continued working the steps, living—as best I could—the program. It came to a head as I grudgingly accepted responsibility for all my words and actions while under the influence. Then one day I had what I later knew to be a Spiritual awakening. I accepted I had a disease and I was no longer at war. Rather, I was at peace with self, others, and God. It was a strange and wonderful feeling that helped me understand that this was the gift of what we call “the Promises.”

 I knew a new freedom and happiness; I did not regret the past nor wished to shut the door on it. I finally understood serenity and experienced peace. In being honest with myself and others, I learned that my past was helpful to them. The feeling of uselessness and self-pity disappeared (although it raises its ugly head now and again); I lost interest in selfish things and gained genuine interest in others; Self-seeking disappeared. I began to enjoy this healthy outlook and attitude about life as a sober alcoholic. Fear of others and of economic insecurity left me and I realized I intuitively knew how to handle things which used to baffle me. God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. War, no more. Peace began with me being sober one day at a time as I worked to maintain my spiritual condition, living the program, working the steps and being the hand of AA where needed.

Séamus D. is a semi-retired Episcopal priest in New Orleans.