My favorite theologian was only 2'2" tall.

Of course, I speak about Yoda, the Jedi Master from the Star Wars movies. In The Empire Strikes Back, Yoda warns his young apprentice, Luke Skywalker, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." I missed the spiritual truth of that line as a teenager. Now, after beginning my recovery journey, I not only understand that truth, I feel it at a cellular level.

My addiction and being in the orbit of an alcoholic have taught me the role Fear plays in my life. I never knew if my dad was drinking or the mood he would be in once I returned home from school. I lived in constant fear of being discovered, fear of having my most current acting-out partner show up at work, and uncleared search histories of being found. I lived in hyper-vigilance, constantly assessing the risk level of any given person, place, or thing.

In recovery, we can choose to fear as a catalyst for our work. By that, I mean that Fear, the unpleasant feeling triggered by the perception of danger, real or imagined, can paralyze, or energize us. In active addiction, I remained paralyzed by my fears of being alone, not being loved, a lack of validation, and rejection. In my relationships with alcoholics, I was often paralyzed by the dread of abandonment, not doing enough to keep them sober, and other's perceptions of me.

Courage is required to shake off the paralysis and begin progressing in recovery. Courage is simply the choice and willingness to confront the feelings, real or imagined, of danger, pain, or uncertainty. As Dorothy Bernard says, "Courage is fear that has said its prayers." Courage is grounded in steps one, two, and three. By acknowledging that we were out of control, that our efforts were useless, and that only something larger than ourselves (and our addictions) could restore us to sanity, we have set foot into the realm of courage. These steps bring us to the point where we can do the one thing we fear most.

Look at our own perfectly imperfect lives.

Step four requires examining our sketchy morality, dubious motives, and self-destructive patterns. While good sponsors also ask us to write down our character assets, it is the character liabilities we desperately try to avoid with one more drink, one more score, one more bet, one more online video, one more anonymous hook-up, one more marriage, or one more chance to play the victim. A fearless look at our lives will require us to establish a stronghold in reality, and surrender to the fact that we make pretty lousy higher powers.

I believe that recovering people are the most courageous humans on the planet. They may not run headfirst into the burning building, charge enemy fortresses, or skydive from a perfectly functioning airplane. They admit their fears and then choose not to be defined by them. Courage happens when they look in and risk sharing what they discover with another human being. Fear's power over our lives disappears as we admit that our lives contain patterns of ego, deceit, and self-will run riot. As Yoda also said,

"Named must be your fear before banish it you can."

Shane M
April 13, 2023