Sometimes I like to hold on to things. 

This is especially problematic when those things are my defects of character. I do this even though, deep down; I know they hinder my progress in becoming the person I believe my Higher Power has created me to be. I have a remarkable ability to resist change, even when it's for my well-being and growth.

In the sixth step, I read to be "…entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." This step calls for a genuine openness to let go of my self-defeating behaviors and attitudes. As the Big Book of AA emphasizes, "When ready, we say something like this: 'My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad'" (Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous). For me, willingness begins with acknowledging the need for change and recognizing that my Higher Power can guide me toward growth and healing.

What hinders my ability to be willing? Often, it is the relentless grip of my ego, that little voice within that tells me I don't need to change or that my defects somehow define me. I may fear losing control or mistakenly believe holding onto certain behaviors or relationships provides security, comfort, or validation. However, true freedom lies in releasing my attachments to these false sources of stability. By surrendering to the process, I open myself to the possibilities of a more fulfilling life, liberated from the chains of our defects.

I recently reconnected with self-reflection as a powerful tool on this path. Taking regular introspection and honestly evaluating my attitudes and behaviors has allowed me to recognize patterns contributing to my defects. Through compassionate self-awareness, I've identified areas where change is necessary, and genuine willingness emerges from this place of honesty.

After 13 years in 12-Step recovery, I still seek support and accountability. Surrounding myself with individuals who understand my need to be willing and my resistance to doing so has made a world of difference. Engaging in recovery meetings, therapy, and support groups have allowed me to share my experiences, challenges, and triumphs with others on a similar path. I cannot overstate the importance of connection and support for my recovery. The adage "our secrets make us sick" rings in my brain as a reminder to get current when I am holding on to my character defects.

Letting go of the illusion of control and trusting in my Higher Power's guidance has been liberating and challenging. It's a continuous practice of releasing my grip on outcomes and having faith that I am creating space for positive change and growth by surrendering. Surrendering is an act of vulnerability and courage, but through this surrender, true transformation begins to unfold.

I read in Matthew 16 where Jesus addresses the outcome of not being willing to let go of the things that may stop me from becoming who I am meant to be.  

Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat;  I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me, and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?*

I have experienced the profound impact of unwillingness to let go of my character defects. I am never pleased with the results. However, when I am willing, usually after suffering and pain, I am rewarded with the peace and serenity of a new level of integrity. 

Now I have to be willing to let go.

By Shane M

*The Message Bible, Eugene Peterson