In the July 1965 GRAPEVINE, Bill W wrote, “The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails.” *

“All you need to do right now to become willing to do what is necessary for sobriety.” I was not exactly sure what that meant. It sounded good. All I had to do was to “become willing.” The problem was that what I thought was needed for sobriety was not what they [A A members] thought.

In treatment, I encouraged other patients to be willing to go to any length for sobriety- even if that meant going to a half-way house someplace in Minnesota. I knew the lingo. A nurse broke protocol and told me, “Seamus, if you don’t shape up, the staff are considering sending you to Nebraska to a half-way house.” At this point, I became willing to do anything to keep me from going there. I completed steps one through three and completed a very shallow fourth step to be shared with the treatment chaplain.

I was willing to go to Aftercare on a Friday night. I was willing to go to as many A.A. meetings as I could in order to brag to my counselor and my boss about the number of meetings I was attending. I was not willing to listen to what people said. I heard their stories. I heard their difficulties. But I was not like “them.” I was different. In my mind, I was someone special, different.

“No pain, no gain.” Growing is something of a painful experience. I had to change a lot of my thinking. I had to develop an attitude of gratitude. I had to admit to and examine my prejudices. I loved change when what was being changed suited my needs and wants. But this kind of change was such that I was being confronted by my humanity, my pride, my (God-forbid) Character Defects.

As I began to change, there were days when I felt jealous of those individuals both young and old who came into the program and “got it.” Unlike my journey, they did not spend their first few years on a dry-drunk. Instead, they got a sponsor, read the Big Book and applied it to themselves. They came to meetings and listened to what was being shared. They were ready and willing to do what was necessary.

When I “came to,” having had a spiritual awakening that gave me a completely new insight into the program, I was then willing to change, willing to learn, and willing to do what I should have done four years earlier.

“The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entail.” Change for the better. Not just change for the sake of change. Not change in order to look good. But change that makes a real difference on the inside and creates a whole new outlook on life.

Change brought a new insight which brough about the “unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entail.” The first responsibility being to not only work the steps but also live them, make them a way of life, a second nature. That is my responsibility to me and to others in my life.

From the moment I came to grips that I am an alcoholic and accepted that I have this disease, then the responsibility of sobriety was on my shoulders and the path ahead had already been prepared by millions of others who had gone before me. All I had to do was follow them- read the Big Book and apply it to myself; go to meetings and listen and, where possible, identify with others, talk to my sponsor, and live the program.

Growth came with the willingness to promptly make amends when I was wrong. This became easier as I learned to think before I spoke or did something. Growth came as I became willing to redo all the steps honestly with an open mind and heart.

Growth came as I became willing to make amends and to listen and hear from others who shared with me about my past actions.

Growth came as I became willing to shed my superficial self and allow others to love me into health. As Skin Horse told the Velveteen Rabbit, “you will know you are loved, when all your hair has been rubbed off.” Yes. “Those people” loved me enough to walk with me through my darkness and brought me into a light I did not know existed as well as a freedom and happiness I had always wanted but went looking for it in all the wrong places.

Séamus P D.
Séamus is a retired Episcopal priest in the greater New Orleans area.

*AS BILL SEES IT. 115.