Ever since I started my life in the 12 steps in the fall of 1984, I've had a sponsor. And I have always had sponsors who are kind and encouraging and patient. Thank goodness I was never told to “take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth” because certainly at the beginning that would have sent me flying out of the room. I had a tough exterior but inside was soft as whipped cream and as fragile as a windowpane. For all my educated vocabulary and posture, I was scared and vulnerable. I would have been crushed by any kind of silencing or we-don’t-need-you-here-ing. But always, my sponsors have been women who can see through any bravado and understand who I am and what I need…acceptance and understanding.

I started out in Al-Anon and it was there that I learned that people who grow up in alcoholic homes can suffer negative residual effects from that upbringing. In homes beset by chronic illness, as alcoholism is, there’s often a lack of stability, understanding, or encouragement. When a parent is unwell and not able to offer the nurturing that a child needs, a child will often think that they don’t deserve nurturing or stability, understanding, and encouragement. In those early days in Al-Anon, I felt great relief and immense joy to find out that I was not alone. I was not the only one who had an exterior that appeared mature and capable and an interior that was scared and lonely.

It didn't take me very long to realize that not only did I need Al-Anon but also AA because my own personal substance use was out of control. So, I have done the steps in both Al-Anon and AA over the years and I have talked with my sponsors about character defects. It seemed pretty harsh and not very helpful to call parts of myself defective. My first sponsor told me that her understanding of character defects was that they were “defense mechanisms that you've outgrown.” I decided to do a little research on what defense mechanisms are. In layman's terms because I'm not a psychologist, a defense mechanism is an unconscious way people cope with stuff that they can't acknowledge or handle because it hurts too much to face what’s going on.

One of the biggest ones that I used (and probably still use, even in recovery) is the defense mechanism of denial. I can deny reality by just saying something is not as bad as it is, whether it’s my personal behavior or a situation that I'm dealing with or the way I have been treated.

There are other defense mechanisms, such as repression (not remembering events or feelings) and projection (saying someone else is doing the mean things that you’re actually doing,) but as we grow spiritually in the program, as we grow to love ourselves and accept ourselves as we really are,  we don’t have to defend ourselves against reality. We can cope with “life on life’s terms.”

In recovery, we begin to accept all of ourselves—the strong parts and the weak parts, the mature and the childish, the brave and the scared. That's what Steps Six and Seven are really all about. They’re about asking God to bring to consciousness these unconscious automatic behaviors and attitudes so that with our sober and serene brains we can deal with reality.

Luckily, the reality we have to deal with is that we are beloved children of God. No matter what we were told by someone who was ill, we are not useless, worthless, or unwanted. We are beloved children of God. The defense mechanisms that we developed before we had maturity, sobriety, serenity, and compassion are behaviors and attitudes that we can let go of now because we're safe.