Many years ago, I heard Fr. Joe Martin tell the story of a man who was leaving home to go to his evening A.A. meeting. On the way out, his son asked him to play “Catch.” The man said he did not have time as he had to go to an AA Meeting. “Can’t you miss just one meeting?” the son asked. “Miss a meeting? And then get drunk? Is that what you want?” The son relied “it makes no difference, you’re never here anyhow.” Fr. Martin’s response to this story is, “First things first and then Second things first.”

First things first: understand your disease, go to meetings, read the Big Book, get a sponsor, work the steps, and live the program.

We’re told to go to ninety meetings in ninety days. We’re told “Go to one hundred and eight meetings in 180 days.” We’re told “If you drank every day, then you need to be at a meeting every day. In other words, get an understanding of this disease into your head. But it doesn’t have to take a year-long absence from one’s family to get this into one’s head.

As we get into sobriety and the family, coworkers, friends, and acquaintances see that we are serious about our sobriety, then it’s time to put second things first, put family first. Yes, there are those who say if you begin to miss meetings you’ll drink again. That’s not true for the majority of us. I’ve missed a lot of meetings, and it did not cause me to drink. What did happen was this, when I began to go to meetings again, I found myself more relaxed, happier, at peace. There’s something in these meetings that impacts us mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially.

The meetings are not therapy, but they are therapeutic. If I don’t drink for another month, I’ll have forty-five years active in the fellowship, (2/2/24) . That said, I remind the newcomers at the end of a meeting that what all of us have is today and that is based on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.

When I first began attending AA meetings, I attended a lot, and I mean, a lot of meetings, but for all the wrong reasons. I spent over four years white-knuckling it as a dry drunk. That is no way to survive. It certainly wasn’t living. I was a single dad with custody of my thirteen-month- old daughter and was a single dad for ten years. When I was blessed with my spiritual awakening I learned about this disease and did all I could to improve my spiritual condition. I found a Power greater than myself that restored me to sanity. Then I was able to give the name “God” to that Higher Power and begin the processes of cleaning up my life by working steps four through twelve. It was then, I believe, that having had the spiritual awakening, I began to live the program.

Living the program is how we learn the balancing act of family and other commitments in life. We begin to live mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and socially and all of this impacts us physically.

Living the program, practicing the principles in all aspects of my life gives me the freedom to decide when and which meetings to go to. When out of town and in a new environment, a meeting becomes part of that experience.

By the time the Steps were written, Bill W. and others had done some serious reflection on how they got sober and the balancing act of integrating meetings with the rest of our life’s commitments. It was not either/or, but both/and.

First things first is a morning “Thank You” to our Higher Power, a cup of coffee and some quiet time to ground ourselves on the gift of today. Second things, getting to work, kids to school, meetings, groceries, car maintenance, and all the other things that may fall into our lap. We create time for the sacred hour of Fellowship in the morning, noon, or late evening.

A book, written a few years ago, had the title “First, make your bed.” For us in recovery it could be titled “First, talk to your Higher Power.” It is that conversation, or lack of it, that can make a difference to the remainder of the day.

As we begin this new year, it may be an opportunity to review our values and ask ourselves are we putting first things first, and then are we ready to put second things first.

Séamus D.

Seamus is a retired Episcopal priest in New Orleans.