“I finally surrendered” but not until the passage of six weeks of the Program...

...when I came to believe, I was living in a dark tunnel, one which never seemed to end. It was sucking me into times of pain, loss of much, and shame. I finally admitted it, on my knees. I admitted it to someone, and I guess I have to say I admitted this to something greater than myself not knowing what or who it was.  I knew this was the only option I had... one night at home, on my knees, silent, begging for help to find light, a way out of this darkness I had fallen into.

As I rose from my knees, I felt something lift me by my shoulders, I sensed a newness, a hope. Sounds too simplistic and superhuman, but don’t tell me this couldn’t have happened to me. It did. Later that day, at my meeting, I relayed what had happened. The reading that night was about Bill W’s encounter with his Higher Power.  People reached for me, smiling, tears in our eyes, others saying, “Just like me.” A brighter path seemed to open for there was more than just those in that room, a power greater than us was there. Believe it!

It was a loving something whose aim seemed only to provide a way to help me. I realized that night that I’d tried all my life to “run the show,” I knew it all, and could manage my life without assistance following what I felt was the right path. That path brought me deep into that tunnel and its pain and harm to others and myself.  I came to believe there had to be a better way. The people with me that evening told me of their experiences finding this greater help, this “Higher Power” they kept calling it. I heard their stories—some stories of their travels were deeper than I had fallen, and I was reminded that that option was available if I went back out. But I heard they had found light, a way to live life without alcohol, lives of happiness, of joy, free of that tunnel.

When I went home that night, I finally realized what was happening for I had to admit to myself that “I gave up. I handed my life over to this Higher Power.” As I did so, I again felt His hand reaching for me, showing me the way.  I knew each person at the meeting that evening was doing the same. It was a way I could walk with help from my higher Power.

Now I am taking steps to strengthen my surrender, building on it, and finding an alcohol-free life based on love, honesty, and reliance on our Higher Power. This takes effort and time.  Yes, I was told that I would find a spiritual life, one which reveals the next right thing when caught in a jam. They told me and I believed them that this was a daily effort, to build on the very things I was learning those first nights. And they told me that I had an obligation to carry the message of these early meetings to those who still suffered.  

This is how the Program came to my rescue at my early AA meetings.

Jim A, St X Noon & Springboro/Franklin, Wednesday Noon