“In ACA, we learn to let go in stages…Our attempts at control bring spiritual death to a relationship with ourselves and others.…..At the core of this learned control is a fear that we will not know who we are if we do not have an addict or dysfunctional person in our lives…In ACA...we learn we can survive the journey of finding out who we are. We can change and know happiness.” Adult Children of Alcohlics/Dysfunctional Families; ACA Fellowship Text (The big Red Book) 41.
Recently, I’ve taken to rereading The Big Red Book of ACoA. Ever since I first read anything about ACA, put myself into therapy, and came to realize that I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic who did not drink. In time, I came to believe that just about everyone in A.A. with at least five years of sobriety, should attend ACOA for at least six months.
ACoA is not just another Twelve Step program. Rather it is a program in which I was able to locate my behavior choices in order to survive a system that was broken, and we did not know it.
My choice (subconsciously) was a mixture of the quiet one (at school), the clown (at home). I had an undiagnosed learning problem, was labeled as being a “slow learner,” and so I stayed quiet in the classroom and around those whom I judged to be well educated. At home, for the most part, I could change mom’s anger into laugher and escape whatever punishment she had in mind.
In ACA I looked back and realized that early in my life I had boundary issues, involving myself in situations (to be of help) that were none of my business. It was clear to me that we did not talk about our family outside the family (nor inside). And, bringing a friend home, or going to spend the night at the home of a friend, was out of the question
Out of the home and into college gave me a new life. I had to make decisions for myself, but I wasn’t sure all the time. So, unconsciously, I used other people to make decisions, to speak up on issues, to make suggestions. My dry alcoholic mother was a master of manipulation, and I learned from the best.
There came the day when I found total freedom and friends. Jack Daniels, Bud Wiser (Stupid), John Jameison, etc. In no time I was the center of attention, could dance, became arrogant, selfish, self-centered, and developed a fear of God punishing me that only got worse as my lifestyle spiraled out of control. Of course, I never doubted I was in control. I knew what I was doing. After all, by this time, I was helping alcoholics on the streets of Dublin.
ACA Step One reads: “We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.” My mother was a good person who was addicted to Church, to work, and needed to control all she could of her family, what they said and who they were with. After her death, I wrote her a number of letters and in the end, I came to admit she had done the best she could in her circumstances. What a relief.
As a child in this dysfunctional system, I learned to keep my emotions to myself. I concluded there was no point in telling anyone how I felt. I was a couple of years in A.A. when I began to make a list of emotions and then acknowledge I had them. It was difficult to admit “ I am loving. There are times when I am indifferent.” “I am patient. There are times when I have no patience.” “I am loving.” I’m afraid to say I love you. I have difficulty hearing “I love you.” In time I learned to love and be loved.
Some of the ACA promises state “We will discover our real identities by loving and accepting ourselves…Our self-esteem will increase as we give ourselves approval on a daily basis… Fears of failure and success will leave us.as we intuitively make healthier choices…Healthy boundaries and limits will become easier for us to set…Gradually with the help of our Higher Power we will learn to expect the best and get it.”
Alcoholics Anonymous offered me sobriety and serenity and living one day at a time with people I wanted to be like. Sobriety and serenity opened my mind and heart to the environment in which I was molded, learned to love it, and from that become the person I am today, and I continue to grow. Thanks to AA and ACoA.
Séamus D
Seamus is a semi-retired Episcopal priest in New Orleans.
