Recently I’ve been rereading THE WORLD’S WISDOM*and this sentence stood out to me: “Death…does not mean passing away and extinction of life, but returning home to the divine world…[it]  is a passage into a new existence, the transition to a new and true life.” Reflecting on this I realized that this is what happened in the process of working and learning to live the Twelve Step program.

My addiction was killing me. In my active addiction I had become a walking dead person. If I were going to live, then I had to die. As Jesus said, “Unless the grain of wheat, falling to the ground dies, itself remains alone.” The seed has to die in order to become alive.

I did not know I was dying, and I did not want to die. Admitting I was powerless over alcohol sounded so stupid. I could stop anytime I wanted to, and I did periodically. Coming to grips with the true meaning of powerlessness was not easy. It was simply this: I had no idea which drink I picked up would get me drunk.

When I finally admitted I was powerless and that my life had become unmanageable, then the beginning of new life began. My life was unmanageable, I was dead to all the values which I said I held important. Now it was time to “return to the divine world.”

It was a strange concept that I had to “come to believe” in something I thought I believed in already. I believed there is a God. For me there were two gods; the God I talked about to others – loving, kind, merciful – and the one I feared was going to send me to hell. Now I could come to believe in an undefined Power Greater than Myself that could restore me to sanity. I had to admit that my thinking was not reasonable when it came to all that I was addicted to. Sanity, peace of mind, it was a long time since I had experienced that.       

Believing in a Power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity was “the transition to a new and true life.” It was no longer “I” that was doing anything, but rather I was guided by this power I would, again, call God.

I chose to ‘turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood god”. How often had I trusted people to give me directions, to answer a question honestly, to repair my car. Now, this power that had restored life to millions of addicts, was the Power to which I would turn over my will and my life – just for today, one day at a time.

“Returning home to the divine world” included cleaning up the wreckage of my life through steps four and five, eight, nine and ten. And so began a new way of living, being responsible, helping others, making amends immediately (almost). This was new and at the same time a wonderful way of living. No more lies, stories, blaming others. This was the freedom to be who I was born to be and become. But I was not there yet.

Steps eleven and twelve were the important final building blocks. Seeking to improve my conscious contact with God through Prayer and meditation – talking and listening to God – was something I once did and then let it slide away and my EGO [Easing God Out] took over. Now I was returning to something I understood and seeing it as for the first time.

Finally, “praying only for knowledge of God’s will for me.” Not determining what I needed to do for me, for the world that waited for me. No. Praying only for knowledge of God’s will for me and asking God to entrust in me the power to do what God wanted me to do. Once again, I am powerless, I need help. God help me.

As I began to come alive, I experienced what the Fellowship taught; that I would experience a new freedom and a new happiness, I had no regrets for the past as I would be able to use my past experiences to help others; the feeling of uselessness and self-pity gave way to the concept of “I am responsible” and a willingness to reach out to others in need. I was no longer focused on what “I want what I want when I want it” but rather on the needs of others. Fear of people, finances, faded into the background as my new divine life opened up for me. It was then I realized that “my outlook on life had changed. [I realized] that God was doing for me what I could not do for myself.”

Séamus D.                                                                                                                   Seamus is an active retired Episcopal priest in New Orleans/

*THE WORLD’S WISDOM. Phillip Novak.351