Last month things got dark. I thought of drinking. I didn't have a plan to drink but the thought alone was a warning sign. I remembered the tools given to me in the early days of recovery. I reached out to a friend who was with me in those early days; we went to daily meetings and sat in coffee shops helping each other stay sober one more day. I called her up. I told her I would attend a meeting and once done I would call her again (bookend, I remember them calling it).

I have nearly 14 years of sobriety, but in the last six years or so I have not been attending meetings. I moved to a small town, I was worried about my anonymity at meetings, life was busy. There were many reasons and no good excuses. Despite the long absence, as soon as the meeting started, I felt comfortable: the message had not changed. I was humbled when I realized that my turn to thoughts of drinking was based on feelings of resentment. Anger and resentment had surfaced as my life was taking a turn I had not planned. Early on in the rooms I heard that resentment is the number one reason people in recovery pick up a drink again. Now I was living proof that resentment has the power to make the drink seem possible again.

Then Psalm 124 appeared in my daily scripture readings: “Then would have the waters have engulfed us, the torrent gone over us; over our head would have swept the raging waters.” Yes, I thought, that imagery feels very real. I need to keep my Higher Power and AA close to my side so as to keep the waters of anger, resentment, and darkness from sweeping me away.

The antidote to resentment is gratitude. I was reminded of this when I returned to meetings. How much gratitude can be felt in the meetings! Gratitude for being alive, for being sober, and living a life beyond what we dreamed of when we walked through the doors. I am reminded every Sunday when I exclaim: Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare Your praise. I have been given breath for one more day. And I take that breath sober. I used to start my day every morning thanking God for my sobriety. I am going to start doing that again.

Susanne E