“The spirituality of the Twelve steps, and of A.A. as a whole, is clear and powerful. Hope, truth, honesty, letting go, acceptance, loving others as a way of loving self, gratitude—these are spiritual realities that are part of the culture of A.A.”* I am grateful that no one told me the above when I came into the program. All I was told, or probably remember, was “keep coming back.” And, truth be told, that was all I really needed to hear.

You see, I looked at the 12 steps and concluded that with my background in theology and the fact that I was an addictions counselor, I would be a significant help to this group. I would be a great asset. {an ass, yes}

After four and a half years on a dry drunk, I finally had my spiritual awakening and saw that I really needed to start over again.

“The spirituality of the Twelve Steps and of A.A. as a whole is clear and powerful.” When I had my mind and heart opened, I came to realize I had to relearn about spirituality, God, and a lot of humility. I was not one of those who came to the program and “got it.” I didn’t get it because of my pre-conceived notions and the fact I did not believe myself to be an alcoholic.

I heard what I needed to hear. “Keep coming back.” And I did. I listened to stories that almost matched my own, but I could not tell that to the speaker. It was my ‘dirty little secret” to be kept inside of me.

“Secrets will kill you,” I heard. Not me. I knew how to handle them with food, nicotine, and unhealthy relationships. “Truth, honesty.” I had this image of myself as being truthful and honest. Listening to stories, unable to not deny them to myself was making it clear that something had to give, something had to change. Going to the meetings and reading the Big Book was not enough. I had to be truthful to someone else. I had to be honest to myself, god, and others.

Emily Dickens once wrote, “Tell the truth but tell it slant.” In other words, not all of it and, in a way that is acceptable. I tried that and it didn’t work. This is an honesty program and “half measures availed us nothing.”

I had to let go of it all. Tell the truth and hope I won’t be rejected; hope I won’t be laughed at. One night I took a risk and told the group that thoughts of suicide had been running through my head. My face was flushed. I felt hot like I was running a high temp. It was nerves and what I had said could not be retracted. It was ‘out there’ and all heard it. One by one each told of thoughts of, and/or attempts of suicide before and after recovery. Better still, after the meeting all gave me a big warm hug. The “letting go” had begun. Gratitude came in its own time also. Gratitude for the Program, gratitude for the Fellowship, gratitude for Life, and for the new life I was beginning to breathe.

Acceptance came. I am an alcoholic. I am a drug addict. I have other addictions. I am a Child of God. “I am a child of the Universe, no less than the trees, or the stars in the sky, I have a right to be here.” Self-acceptance

“ . . .these are spiritual realities that are part of the culture of A.A.”  Spiritual realities. Why had I not been told this in my formative years instead of the guilt trips? Another thing to let go of. I’m not responsible for the decisions or opinions of others.

The fellowship has taught me a way of living that demands rigorous honesty and for this I am grateful. The Fellowship has given me a new life and a new lease on life and for this I am grateful. Today, I have experienced the “promises” as being a reality for me and that is a wonderful feeling. I can look back, as through a glass door, see where I came from, what happened, what I am like now, and give thanks to my Higher Power for another day of living sober and with peace of mind.

Séamus D.

Séamus is a retired episcopal priest in  New Orleans

* Twelve Steps to Religionless Spirituality. Ward  B. Ewing