Step one was problematic for me. I could not imagine myself powerless over alcohol. After all, I said mass, counseled individuals, couples, and families. I paid my bills, took good care of my car and my dog. I finally got it through my head that the problem was when I picked up a drink, I had no idea—no matter what I said—if I was going to have one drink or a bottle. Once that door was opened, I realized the concept of unmanageability.

Step two was a whole other story.  After much thought and research as to why “God” was not in step two, I concluded that folks in 12 step programs seldom, if ever, received Unconditional Love, Forgiveness or Trust. This is what we receive in the meetings and from one another. This is a Power greater than me that could keep me sober.

Step Four was problematic. I did not have any defects of Character until a sponsor had me tell him what I thought of a particular AA member, and I did. Then he said: “What you see and like in another is also in you. What you see and don’t like in another is also in you, but you don’t want to think about it.” True. Now it was much easier to see what I had not seen for some time. It was time to stop pointing my finger at others and look at the three pointing back at myself.

Step Five was the best confession I had ever done in my life, and it was not to a priest. There was joy over one sinner finding peace of mind.

Then, in making a list of all the people I had harmed, I thought of all the friends and acquaintances I had. Slowly my mind began to see life from a different point of view.  I had used many of these people, took advantage of their kindness and generosity. It was painful to think that I had hurt anyone. I considered myself, and was often told, I was the life of the party. Making amends opened my eyes to much more than I could ever have imagined. I had put people’s life in danger. I learned that much of what I did was in a blackout. That’s not an excuse.

Then, taking a daily inventory helped me put a filter between my brain and my tongue. “Does it have to be said?” “Does it have to be said now?”  “Does it have to be said by me?” I wish I could remember who taught me this. It sure helped keep my mouth quiet and me out of trouble.

“Sought through Prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God was we understood Him(Her). Bill Wilson wrote: “Sometimes when friends tell us how well we are doing, we know better inside. We know we aren’t doing well enough. We still can’t handle life, as life is. There must be a serious flaw somewhere in our spiritual practice and development. What, then, is it? The chances are better than even that we shall locate our troubles in our misunderstanding or neglect of AA”s Step Eleven – prayer, meditation, and the guidance of God. The other Steps can keep most of us sober and somehow functioning. But Step Eleven can keep us growing, if we try hard and work at it continually.”[As Bill Sees It. 264]

When I first read this, I could not help but think, “This is coming from a man who was an atheist.” I had grown up with God, prayers, etc. but not this way. What fascinated me as I practiced prayer and meditation is that in Kindergarten, I memorized the definition of prayer - “Prayer is the raising up of the mind and heart to God.”  For the next thirty some years I ignored that definition until I was reminded of it in recovery.

At first, I was not great at it. I held onto my old ideas of saying prayers, attending church, etc. As I listened to men and women share their experience, strength and hope through working this step, I agreed with Bill, “Step Eleven can keep us growing, if we try hard and work at it continually.”

Working at it continually has brought me to this day, another day of peace of mind and sobriety, another day consciously aware of the presence of God in my life.

Séamus D.

Séamus D is a retired Episcopal priest in New Orleans